I was recently cleaning out some bookmarks (digital decluttering!), and ran across this oldie-but-goodie from the New York Times:
In the article, the writer interviews several people who feel compelled to keep the things they’ve inherited — a Victorian settee, an ugly painting, a massive sideboard — despite their dislike for them. Some do it out of guilt, some to hang onto memories, others to preserve their family “history.”
I can relate, as I inherited my grandmother’s twelve place settings of china right after I graduated from college. I dragged them around with me for years, carefully packing and unpacking them during moves across three states. (Perhaps one of the reasons I became a minimalist!) Fortunately, I was finally able to unload them on give them to another family member.
Want to avoid the tyranny of the heirloom? Here’s ten ways to declutter them — with less guilt than simply throwing them away:
1. Be generous, and give them to another family member. (I could never understand why heirs fight over material things — I say, let ’em take it all!)
2. Donate them to a charitable organization, and let them do some good rather than gathering dust in your basement.
3. Sell them, and donate the money “in memoriam” to your loved one’s favorite charity.
4. Sell them, and use the money for something you really want.
5. Donate historical items to a museum or university.
6. Save a piece of the heirloom (like a swatch of your grandmother’s handmade quilt or wedding dress).
7. Save one item from the collection (like a single plate or tea cup from a set of china).
8. Photograph them, and save the photos (instead of the items) for memories.
9. Re-make the heirloom into something more useful. Have a jeweler set the stones of a gaudy old brooch into a pretty necklace, or use the yarn from your grandpa’s sweater to knit a nice scarf.
10. Avoid them in the first place. Tell family members (gently and politely, of course) that you don’t want them to “save” anything for you, and encourage them to find alternate homes for their treasures.
Has anyone else ever felt “shackled” to an unwanted heirloom? Or does anyone have other creative strategies for getting rid of them?
Oh I hear you. My 80 year old mother keeps saying, You need to have this Nancy because you are my only daughter. I understand her point of view and feelings, but this is a sticky wicket.
Nancy
That’s a tough situation, Nancy — hope you’re able to manage it well.
Boxes upon boxes upon boxes..really nothing that would even be my style, nor did I want them. I have memories of the people they belonged too. I did sell some and donated the money to charities that I felt fit the people who owned them. I say take pics and make a nice little album of them to cherish forever but in a smaller, portable size.
I like the album idea, Heather — I’d make mine digital, though. ;-)
Oh man this is a tough one for me. Not so much heirlooms but rather memories from raising my own children. I know I can digitize everything, photos, awards, etc., but I would still have trouble just tossing the originals. So I don’t. They are pretty compacted into a rubbermaid storage container (safely in their home, as you put it) so I guess one day when I’m gone they can deal with it. What do other moms do? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
~janet
janet, if they’re all compacted in one container and stowed away, I wouldn’t worry too much. :-)
As an only child I will face a tough job : both of my parents are pack-rats and they value a lot of collections I am not interested in. But in the meantime it is quite incentive to being a minimalist !
I think i will keep one or two quilts and one or two enamels, because I find them really beautiful ; may be one or two pieces of furniture I like better than mine. And afterwards I will have to manage so much stuff ! most of it will be given away though I would like to get some money back and travel.
Hi nicole 86! I think keeping just a few special pieces — and giving away or selling the rest — is enough to keep the memories alive.
Oh man, you’ve hit a hot topic for me. I have trouble getting family members not to give me stuff or save stuff for me. . .very tough business. My mother got in such a tizzy over family heirlooms (and my desire to rid myself of them) that I actually just forked them over to her. Much more relaxing for me anyhow. Regifting is definitely the way to go in this case.
By the way, there was this great French film last summer, I think it was called, l’Heure d’été, it was about two brothers and a sister that inherited a family country house with all of these valuable antiques. It really went into what the worth of the items was–nostalgic, historic, personal? An interesting piece.
That sounds like a great film, Simple in France — thanks for the info!
Simple in France, I saw that movie. It was so moving. It really brought light to our “valuables” and their meaning. I loved it and highly recommend it.
janet
Thanks for the ideas. If I ever got unwanted heirlooms, I would do no. 8 (photograph them) then no. 3 (sell and donate money to loved one’s favorite charity). If I was the one who left the heirlooms, I would appreciate it if the receiver did the same and gave the money to animal shelters and animal welfare organizations.
Btw I’ve been doing some digital decluttering lately too. I’ve simplified my backup/sync system a great deal by switching to Dropbox, simplified password management by using Keepass and purged my files, bookmarks, to-dos etc. :)
LOL Mia, I feel like I *always* have digital decluttering to do! Those files and bookmarks accumulate so fast.
The Tyranny of the Heirloom is a great topic. Like you, I inherited my grandmother’s 12 place settings of fine china. While I use it on the rare special occasion, it no longer warrants the space it takes up in the cupboard or in my psyche.
I recently came across an interesting company that takes a piece of heirloom china and turns it into one-of-a-kind jewelry. At first glance, I thought that was a bit much. But, on further reflection, I thought how nice it would be to have a small, useful memento that takes up little space and still represents the beauty and happy memories associated with the 12-piece set of china. I have not yet done this but am seriously considering it. Then I can donate the rest of the china, with a clear conscience, to a charitable organization.
In case you’re interested, the company is called China Baroque. Here’s the link:
http://chinabaroque.com/customorders.php
Christianna, I think making a piece of jewelry out of the china is a fabulous idea. Thanks for the link!
crikey this topic hits home. i’m the only child of packrats, too, and as my parents age the prospect of dealing with everything in their house and attic and barns looms larger and larger like a tsunami. i have actually had nightmares about this and they aren’t dead yet! they’ve already impressed quite a few things on me that i’ve stuck into storage boxes so that i can honestly say i still have them, and hope they don’t find out about the stuff i’ve already gotten rid of in the past ten years. then there’s the beloved mementos of my son’s childhood, but i’ve reduced that by quite a bit already, so that what remains is a sweet sampling. he and i have a pact to not burden ourselves with the oncoming family museum.
Wow, Mara — hopefully it’ll be a *long* time before you have to deal with that!
I love the idea of recycling heirlooms into new things…new jewelry, new scarf, etc. Then you keep the “essence” of whatever it was, you don’t have to deal with guilt from other family members, and you have something nice that you’ll actually use!
Thanks for the great ideas ^_^
] chloe [
Hi Chloe! That’s usually my first thought: can I make this into something else (ideally something a lot smaller)?
Oh dear, doesnt it just make you want to put a (small) bomb in the middle of everything?! I shall be facing this problem in the not too distant future as my only remaining parent is quite elderly. There is a houseful of stuff. I have already decided that as I will no doubt be the one left to clear it, that other family members will have to take what they want straightaway and then everything else will be disposed of either by selling, recycling or taking up to landfill. I know I shall hate it and it will be hard but I am not keeping anything beyond family photos. I already have all the stuff I need and my own memories. It is, however, less complicated for me because I dont have children. I already faced up to giving away a handmade quilt left to me by my aunt because I just didnt use it. It was tough but I figured better than just let it sit in a cupboard. But I still get the occasional guilt pang!
Janet: would the answer to your problem of keeping mementoes of your children just be to give them “permission” to dispose or keep it as they wish? That way they will have a clear conscience.
You’re right, Frances, it’s definitely not easy — but it sounds like you have a good plan.
St. Benedict died owning just a spoon. That is my goal. I got out of the inheritance of things by moving to another country, not the most practical way to do it.
Wow, Magdalena, I didn’t know that about St. Benedict — what inspiration!
I have a friend who operates under the mantra, “I cherish people, not things.” She refuses to take other people’s stuff.
Me, I’ve been known to ‘accidentally’ break things after they’ve been thrust upon me.
When I got married a few years ago I had to educate my new husband about the undesirability of keeping things that you don’t want and/or don’t use. One of the first things I did was take an entire 75 piece set of china that belonged to the grandparents of his deceased first wife to an auction that benefited the volunteer firemen.
That’s a great mantra, Jan — thanks for sharing it! And kudos on getting rid of the china. :-)
I’m just reading this, and I’d like to mention an idea that I didn’t see mentioned, which is USING heirlooms. Many heirlooms are household goods that were originally purchased with the intent that they be used, but then when they get inherited, they’re usually just stored or displayed after that, and transition from useful to clutter. I think a lot of this has to do with people’s reluctance to use the “nice” things they have- silver or heirloom quilts or dish sets (in actuality, the more you use silver, the less you have to polish it), but what good is keeping plates undamaged or quilts unworn if they just get stored away and never used as they were intended? The other major objection I hear is that heirloom items don’t mesh with the heir’s interior decor style, but I think it’s wise to remember that personal interior decorating themes are a construction of a modern consumerist culture; it’s certainly more traditional, economical, and eco-friendly to have used home goods, especially if they’re of heirloom quality. And if they’re not of good enough quality to use, they’re not really heirlooms, just junk. Of course this doesn’t address purely decorative things like collectibles, art, or knick-knacks, which I have a lot less enthusiasm for.
Spyhop – that’s a lovely idea. Right now, my only heirlooms are a few lovely pieces of china and some antique silver from an elderly aunt who’s still living. I guess I hate to sell or give them away, in case she finds out and is hurt, since they’re very old, and were presents given to her parents (my grandparents – long deceased before my birth) at their wedding.
I think I’m going to pull them out of the closet and actually use them! Why did this never occur to me before? Then perhaps one day I’ll see if another family member would like to have them. Meanwhile, they’ll be used for their original purpose, as opposed to serving as guilt-inducing dust catchers!
I was given a hand sewn “history of my life” wall hanging as a wedding present from a crafty Aunty. It has pictures of me as a child, teenager, young adult etc with fabric scrapbook type embellishments. It is brown, large and horrid. Alot of love and care was sewn into this present but I will never ever display it and I really don’t like it. Noone else could use it or want it – is it destined for the bin? It lives in a large box in our garage at the moment and has moved 4 times with us since we were married…
Your story breaks my heart! Of course, after a second’s thought, I realize that it’s very touching to receive such a personal gift of so much love. You can truly hang onto the love, maybe write about it if you journal. Then take a snapshot and throw it away. You’re not throwing away the love, of course. It will be thrown away when you are gone anyway (that’s what I tell myself when I feel guilty about letting go of things). Material things are meant to be let go.
Thanks for your comments Kathleen. I was and am still touched by the intimacy and care that came with such a gift. I do love this Aunty very much hence the dilemma. I think you are right – I will carefully photograph it and then ask my husband to “remove” it from our garage (he won’t mind at all of course).
Hi Nicole ~ I know that is a precious gift and I know you appreciate the love and tender care in creating it. I am so sorry that your Dear Auntie’s style isn’t pleasing to you.
I have a thought….maybe after making a lovely photo in a really pretty frame with a lovely mat (to make it all look more artistic and pleasing) or using a “sienna” photograph (like b/w but the old timey brown)….
…maybe you could use that quilt INSIDE of another quilt that you will actually use. Have a quilt made with the Auntie quilt as the batting. It was often done in the past when quilts were getting too worn but still useful and lots less expensive than buying new batting. (Um, yea…free is still less expensive!)
That could work!
You could have a quilt made of handed down clothing or your favorite t-shirt collection from college or your old stuffed animals….something else that is taking up a lot of space for no good reason…and kill two birds with one stone! LOL!
As a veteran of dealing with family estates ( my parents,grandparents, husbands family member,cousins,friends) I can attest to the paralysis that seems to take place when dealing with heirlooms.
In fact, it seems human nature to make everything into an heirloom!
Broken teapots can become an heirloom.
My mantra has become ‘do you love it, do you have room for it!’
Not imaginary room, or crammed into a corner.
It’s been a lesson hard learned.
I’m 56 now and have just finished dealing with strange memorabilia from my grandfather who died in 1966 (the downside of being an only child- we get it all)
Our home is on it’s way to being our home, not a storage locker for possessions that no longer make any sense.
There is a story about a family that knew Abe Lincoln when he was a boy. Decendents of the family kept an axe that Abe had used and took the axe around the country telling school children and social groups about young Abe Lincoln. One of the male decendents had taken the axe to a college and rhapsodied about young Abe. One of the students said that the axe looked almost new. The speaker said, “Yes, we’ve had to replace the axe head several times and the handle a few times, but this is the actual axe Abe used.”
So far I’ve received some really nice heirlooms that I intend to keep. Most of the pieces are jewelry – really cool jewelry that I actually wear. I just tell my mom I don’t want most things. I’m the oldest of 4 so there are 3 more girls in line behind me. Plus I kinda have first dibs on things I do want. I think this is partly because I reject almost everything so my mom wants to make sure I get something I like; and she knows I just get rid of stuff that I don’t like, so nothing is forced on me! It helps that my sisters and I don’t share the same taste.
My best friend has just RE-received an “heirloom” cracked soup pot from the 60s or 70s (so hideous). It’s been around the family so many times – just like the bread machine in Old School. I told her to “accidentally” drop it. She said it has been dropped. It’s such a joke that I think her family is passing it around for laughs at this point.
If you have the option, go for non-material heirlooms. They’re usually a lot more meaningful than the physical stuff.
I don’t think I own anything that belonged to my Auntie Josie, but I have some of her recipes. Making them reminds me of her hospitality and love in a way that her china (which I can’t even picture) would. And learning to make them the way she did, by touch/smell/eye, helped me learn to cook intuitively, which was a wonderful gift in itself. (Not to mention that I don’t need to keep track of recipe cards.)
Plus, she had the best recipe step ever: “add some pepper until it looks like too much, then double it.”
These suggestions have been very helpful to me. It makes me realize I’m not the only one dealing with memorabilia and heirlooms. I do, though think passing down a family heirloom has value. There’s a connection to your heritage and family traditions. I think it”s a battle between logic and emotion.
I have a more unique dilemma, though. I have too much memorabilia from my children’s and grandchildren’s youth. It is an almost impossible task to organize it. That stuff, sits in boxes and haunts me. Every once in a while, I bring it all out, being determined to sort and organize it once and for all. What should I do with the photo albums that are half done? Should I make photo books now with the digital photos or should I continue with the photos in photo albums or both? Then there’s the heirlooms. Sometimes I give them back, or donate them or they sit in my attic. Some of them are broken, but have no use at the moment. Whenever, I do donate or give something back, I always feel guilty later. I’M A MESS!!! I think some of this STUFF serves a person to have a false sense of security. However, I am very stressed by clutter and want to live the minimalist life! Can anyone help me move on?
I’ll understand, if you refer me to a therapist, ha ha ha, my husband keeps suggesting it.
Use it all. Use the clothes, use the china, use the brooch… use everything. Once you use it, eevn for a short while it becomes yours emotionally. I know it seems weird, but the feeling about a piece changes drastically once you use it. It´s not so hard to give something away or sell it, if it is your own. The problem of doing that to an heirloom is that it feels you are disrespecting the person who died. But if you use the stuff, even for a shot while, you are honoring their gift to you… and soon you will feel you have done your part, you have accepted their gift and used it… and then you feel free to move on.
Best regards. Love your blog
SusieFlower
I inherited a few heirlooms when my grandparents died. One of them was my Nana’s engagement ring. The style was not ‘me’ at all, but the diamond in it was reasonably valuable. It hung around in my jewellery box for a while, then when I got engaged myself I used the stone and got it put into a new setting that was more my style, and the gold that was left over helped partially pay for my ring. I would never have sold her ring, but resetting it and now wearing the diamond every day was the perfect solution for me.
Great site by the way, I have just started on my minimalist journey and I’m finding it very uplifting, and already I’m thinking more clearly although I still have a lot of clutter to purge! I hadn’t realised how much having excess stuff was irritating me until I started getting rid of it.
Working in a bar I come across some interesting people and stories. One man I met told me about his wedding ring that was melted down from his grandparents and his wife’s grandparents rings together. I thought it was fantastic that their children will have a ring that symbolizes the two families uniting.. physically and emotionally to become a family heirloom. Brilliant!
I inherited an “emotional” heirloom from my mother of a particular set of stoneware dishes when I was 16. I bought them myself, and began acquiring completer dishes from antique stores and garage sales. I warned my boyfriend at the time that giving me the rare and memorable soup terrine would be like declaring a fervent, everlasting love to me. Well, he did on the night that he proposed to me. Now, every year on our anniversary he gives me another completer piece. I love what it represents, but now I have an “abundance” of his devotion boxed up in our garage waiting for a formal dining room to display it in. I’ve thought about just keeping the serving ware (the pieces that he gave to me), but he has started giving me more plates and bowls too. I’m not sure what I can do, LOL!
I agree with the USE IT! crowd here.
One thing I think of a lot: My family is SPECIAL! Why wait for a “special” guest or a “special” occasion to use my “special” dishes?!?!?!? I can use them everyday and show my family just how special they are to me. And, if a piece gets chipped or cracked…its character. If it gets broken its trash. If I need to replace it….well I will try but its not the end of the world! My Momo (gma) loves to know that I USE the china she gave me!
Also ~ For those who just can’t use breakable “heirlooms” I have a thought. It may be a little out of the box but someone might like it…
Break them (Yes, yes I said break them!) and make a lovely mosaic table top or other mosaic artwork! Then you really will be using the china, the stoneware, the pseudo-depression glass, the bits of costume jewelry…everyday at your unique (and probably HEAVY!) dining table!
Its good to read this now! I just put my mother in assisted-living and have a house full of STUFF to deal with in the spring. All her THINGS were VERY precious to her…moreso than people, really. And she thinks because I’m an only child that I will (and SHOULD) just haul it all home and be precious to me too!! But we are in the process of decluttering our OWN belongings so that our next move can be a DOWNSIZE and I don’t need her STUFF too!! After spending time in her house, I get where I don’t want ANY of it and THAT makes her mad! I think HER attitude towards STUFF has helped me lean MUCH MORE toward your minimalistic lifestyle and philosophy. I DON’T want people thinking my things meant more than my loved ones when I’m gone, unlike my mother.
Wee bit late to this particular party, but I’ve been decluttering my belongings because I am moving to my first place that’s just for me, and I want to start over with SO MUCH LESS than I have accumulated. I have a set of antique glassware that my uncle and aunt gifted me – each niece has a set of a different glass – but it has been in boxes since I got it, and I just carry it from place to place. It’s gorgeous but it’s maddening. I currently have it hidden in my mother’s basement and I’m hoping she doesn’t find it and make me take it away. I’d sell it or gift it to another family member, but the aunt is still alive and is the queen of passive aggression, and I’d surely suffer for it if I got rid of them. I think, eventually, I will select one to three small pieces to display and sell the rest. Who knows? Clutter. Ugh.
That sounded way worse than I meant it to, that my aunt is “still alive.” I just mean that my uncle passed away a long time ago, and this was given to me when I graduated high school as a “from both of them” type deal, so I feel all guilty and emotional over it. Any advice?
I’m facing difficulties in this area…my mother died a couple months ago, and I’m heading to grad school in two weeks. Everything I bring has to fit in one checked bag and one carry-on.
I’m taking this opportunity to minimalize my life to an extent, and also to realize that my mom’s passing doesn’t necessitate clutching onto everything she owned. I have her watch and a photo, and memories will do the rest.
Thanks for being inspirational, lessening my stress, and reminding me that I am not my possessions!
Great article written by one with many others on a good path. Ive taken minimalism to a new level for the new years resolution and have committed to losing a minimum of 200 pounds of junk thats just been sitting around. Some of the items I thought were going to be difficult were the heirloom things that were kept to be passed on to the next generation but, they really arent as interested in ancestry as I imagined so, out it goes. In addition to all of the material crud going to the local stores for selling away, are some of the less than great memories connected with those things. Heck, I might even step the goal up to 400 pounds! I’m starting to see wealth as having less and being happy with it.
I inherited so many sets of china I had no room for them all, so I kept a sugar bowl or salt and pepper from each set and gave the rest to Salvation Army or Goodwill. I kept other dishes which I use. When I married 42 years ago I didn’t ask for good dishes, just Corelle, which I still have. I have also got an entire collection of bone china teacups which have never been displayed. I have been giving them to a history museum for their use. I have always limited my collections to one cabinet and moved things in and out.
My kids school papers were reduced to one small box each. I never thought of myself as a minimalist and I am still working on being one.
Our memories should be linked to events, moments in life that are significant. They should not be attached to material things. After all, didn’t Grandma buy her dishes from Sears, or JCPenney? You, too, can go to store, buy China and then your kids can associate memories to them. And they probably don’t even like the dishes!! An endless cycle.
Just get rid of it if you are not going to use it. You can’t take it with you!
I found a great article on using all the old hankies, doilies and hand embroidered linens to good use. Sew them together to make a sort of “quilt” shower curtain or curtains for the bathroom. They are light, pretty and useful.
Also, finding women’s shelters or churches that put on retreats and need china or nice things to give the ambiance but can’t afford to buy them.
I realize that this is quite old now, but great article! Our house is inhabited by only antique furniture that my husband inherited, which I do like. We have two LARGE rooms stacked wall to wall and almost to the ceiling with trunks, suitcases, and boxes of antique stuff and we have no room for it. It’s ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I love antiques and I’m happy to have the stuff that I like but there is just too much of it. Sadly, his parents are dead and he was an only child, no other relatives left living either, so there is no one to give anything to (I don’t have any family either). We live on a tiny island where no one will come to look at the stuff if we were to sell it and most of it isn’t worth selling anyway (we want to keep all the nice china and things for the kids). Does anyone have any suggestion as to what to do in this situation? Should we just toss the stuff we don’t want?
We are downsizing to a tiny space. My grandfather was a painter, so we have several paintings we don’t know what to do with. He was good, but I feel like if I sell it, I’ll be betraying the family. Also a very rare clock and a couple of other pieces. I got my daughter’s school stuff down to one rubbermaid bin. Here is my question: Do I get the cheapest smallest storage facility possible, or what? Daughter lives in a tiny apartment and can’t take the paintings. I am frustrated. None of the siblings wants to pay for shipping for the paintings or the clock (though one or two of them would happily take both.) I can work on the bin and scan all of my daughter’s stuff and maybe do away with that, but the antiques are another story. :/
I got quite a lot of china, I am keeping serving bowls from one set, platters from another set, plates from another set, 4 place settings from another set, and 8 settings of another set. I also have all my daughter’s wedding china- she was divorced, and an antique set that my mother in law wanted my son to have. And lots of salts and peppers from other sets. There is a lot I use a few times a year. I also have a lot of silverware both stainless steel and silver plate. It gets used, too.
I have dishes, glassware, and kitchen gadgets from two grandmothers and two great aunts. The gadgets I use but the dishes I would like to sell. I am of the lower middle class and need the money but do not know how to sell items that I do not know the value of. No one else in my family wanted them and they are useful not fit for a landfill. I would like suggestions on how to sell. In this neighborhood the effort of a garage sale would not be worth it.
I am moving across the country from a large house into a small condo as we are partially retiring. I have been using these suggestions and have found so much very helpful. I finally donated grandmother’s china to charity after unsuccessful attempts at trying to sell it. It sat in my basement for so many years — I never liked it nor used it. It has been a year, and I don’t miss it . . . now I’m trying to get my husband to do the same with his grandmother’s china . . . we have been for a year working at this. Making great progress . . . the photographs and old albums are a big issue as well as kids stuff (pictures, trophys, etc.).